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Grief

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General Information

There is no right or wrong way to react to a loss. No two individuals will react in exactly the same way. Grief reactions among children and youth are influenced by their developmental level, personal characteristics, mental health, family and cultural influences, and previous exposure to crisis, death, and loss. However, there are some general trends that can help adults understand typical and atypical reactions of bereaved children. Sadness, confusion, and anxiety are among the most common grief responses and are likely to occur for children of all ages. Parents, teachers, and other caregivers should also understand how their own grief reactions and responses to a loss may impact the experience of a child.

General Characteristics To Look For

Grief does not follow a specified pattern. An individual may experience any of the following, in varying order and intensity:


  • denial: unwillingness to acknowledge or discuss the loss
  • anger or guilt: blaming others for the losssorrow or depression: loss of energy, appetite, or interest in activities
  • bargaining: attempts to regain control by making promises or changes in one’s life
  • acceptance or admission: acceptance that loss is final, real, significant, and painful

Keep in mind that groups, particularly youth, can experience collective or even vicarious grief. Even if they didn’t personally know the deceased, students may feel grief, anxiety, or stress because they see classmates who have been directly affected by a loss.

Kindergarten level
  • decreased verbalization
  • increased anxiety (e.g., clinginess, fear of separation)
  • regressive behaviours (e.g., bedwetting, thumb-sucking)
Elementary level
  • inattention or difficulty concentrating
  • SOMATIC complaints (e.g., headaches, stomach problems)
  • sleep disturbances (e.g., nightmares, fear of the dark)
  • withdrawal, sadness, guilt
  • increased irritability, disruptive behaviour, or aggressive behaviour
  • increased anxiety (e.g., clinging, whining)
Middle and high school level
  • flashbacks, nightmares
  • emotional numbing or depression
  • avoidance or withdrawal
  • relationship problems
  • substance abuse or other high-risk behaviour
Signs that additional help is needed

Adults should be particularly alert to any of the following as indicators that a trained mental health professional should be consulted:

  • severe loss of interest in daily activities (e.g., extracurricular activities and friends)
  • disruption in ability to eat or sleep
  • severe drop in school achievement and/or school refusal
  • fear of being alone
  • repeated wish to join the deceased
  • suicidal references or behaviour

Impact On Student Success

  • Whether it is the death of a classmate, friend, family member, or staff member, students may need support in coping with grief. Grief can impact learning, social interactions, emotional expression, and general day-to-day behaviour.
  • The type and intensity of the reactions will vary depending on the circumstances of the death, how well known the deceased is both to individual students and to the school community at large, and other personal factors. For example, those who have lost someone close to them will need particular attention. It is important for adults to understand the reactions they may observe and to be able to offer support.

Action Strategies: What We Can Do Now

What We Can Do Together

  • How adults in a family or school community grieve following a loss influences how children and youth grieve. When adults are able to talk about the loss and express their own feelings, they are better able to provide support for children and youth and help them to develop healthy coping strategies in the aftermath of a loss.
  • Acknowledge that it will take time to mourn and that bereavement is a process that occurs over months and years.
  • Expect their grief to revisit them in cycles throughout their childhood or adolescence. A strong reminder, such as the anniversary of a death, may reawaken grief. Make yourself available to talk.
  • To lessen confusion, avoid expressions such as “passed on” or “went to sleep.” Answer children’s questions about death simply and honestly. Offer only details that they can absorb. Don’t overload them with information.

Teachers and Support Staff

  • Acknowledge the loss. Observe and note changes in functioning. Listen patiently. Remember that each person is unique and will grieve in his or her own way.
  • Provide a model of healthy mourning by being open about your own feelings of sadness and grief.
  • Create structure and routine for children so that they experience predictability and stability.
  • Take care of yourself so that you can assist the children and youth in your care.
  • Acknowledge that it will take time to mourn and that bereavement is a process that occurs over months and years.

School Administrators

  • Provide support for staff who are working with grieving students; being the direct caregiver can be an added stressor, especially as it can stir up personal experiences with death and loss.
  • Reach out to families, acknowledge the loss, and offer condolences.

Parents and Caregivers

  • Listen. Talk about the loss; this gives children permission to talk about it, too. Be prepared to discuss the loss repeatedly.
  • Ask questions to learn how children understand the loss, and gauge physical and emotional reactions.
  • Provide a model of healthy mourning by being open about your own feelings of sadness and grief.
  • Create structure and routine for children so that they experience predictability and stability.
  • Take care of yourself so that you can assist the children and youth in your care.
  • Acknowledge that it will take time to mourn and that bereavement is a process that occurs over months and years.
  • Take advantage of school and community resources such as counselling. Discuss your family’s needs with skilled professionals.

Community Partners

  • Gather information about concerns, strengths, and how the child is functioning in multiple settings.
  • Develop plans as needed.
  • Work collaboratively with home, school, and recreation settings to support needs and allow strengths to resurface.